What happens when survival isn’t enough?
How Far the Sky came about because I hated my job. Seriously.
I also hated my life at the time. I was stressed and exhausted and frankly, miserable to be near. I was also living with my grandmother at the time (actually a lovely thing, she’s pretty fucking great).
She said, “What do you want to do? Because this isn’t it.”
Nobody had asked me that question before. And I didn’t know! I hadn’t thought about what I wanted to do in decades. Sure, I went to college and worked and had friends because that’s what I was supposed to do, but I didn’t know what it meant for after.
I always loved to write. In second grade, I wrote a short horror story called “Scary Harry” that was exactly what a second grade story should have been. I also used to write Star Trek fanfiction (and that one embarrassing RPF). It had been so long the thought never occurred to me.
I thought “fuck it,” I’m gonna write a book.
And then I lived happily ever after–
For twenty minutes.
The Sonic Novel
Scarlet’s Walk is undeniably my favorite album by singer songwriter Tori Amos. It’s the story of Scarlet traveling across the United States searching for something she can’t quite name. It’s a deeply personal and politically conscious album.
Scarlet is a character whose journey across America explores the nation’s identity, history, contradictions, and wounds. Especially post September 11.
It unfolds like a road novel: encounters, landscapes, grief, anger, love, and incredible tenderness. I thought, “this is our life. Every one of us.” I felt connected to this album in a way I’d never experienced. I still do.
Larak was the first character to come to me. He’s very loosely based on some of my own experiences and the experiences of other queer people I’ve met. He starts the story in a place like my own: miserable, unsure of himself, and wanting anything to change for the better.
So he did what I couldn’t. He packed his shit and set off for LA.
Before you drag me for LA, he doesn’t make it that far.
Scarlet traveled to understand America, Larak traveled to escape his circumstances, and I wrote because I needed to change mine. And none of us knew what would come next.
His story takes off in Eagle’s Landing, Arizona. Mine clearly never made it out of Ohio.
I’m not going to spoil his story. But you can get it here.
Identity or Autonomy? ¿Por Qué No Los Dos?
Larak knows what he’s supposed to do, how he’s supposed to act, and what’s expected of him, but his life doesn’t feel like it belongs to him.
And it doesn’t. He goes to work, goes home, takes care of his alcoholic mother. Rinse. Repeat ad infinitum.
He did it. I do it. You probably do it too. We often wrap our identities up into what we do rather than who we are.
And I really wanted to explore that with him. And like me, and Scarlet, and probably you, too, it’s a difficult distinction to make when that’s all we know.
Who are you, friend in my phone?
Into the Open Sky
Where do we go from here? We don’t know the answer. Not really.
And maybe we’re not supposed to! Larak doesn’t figure it out by the end of How Far the Sky. I sure as hell haven’t figured it out, either.
But maybe figuring it out isn’t the point.
Maybe the point is that we keep going. We make choices. We make mistakes. We love people, lose people, find new people. Sometimes we take a wrong turn and end up somewhere we never expected. Sometimes that turns out to be exactly where we needed to be.
I started writing How Far the Sky because I was unhappy with my life and didn’t know what to do about it. Somewhere along the way, I found something I loved doing. Something that was mine.
I still don’t know where I’m going. Neither does Larak. And Cedar, bless his heart, would probably like a detailed itinerary.
But we’re getting there.
Maybe that’s enough.
After all, the sky doesn’t really have an end.
How Far the Sky is the first book of my Into the Open Sky trilogy.
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